perfect_3nemy

A long lost friend.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 22:12:38 GMT

It seems like years since I last touched you, my dear friend. It's been an eternity since we bonded the way we used to. Through those hard times, you were there for me. Now, in return, I leave you in the corner. I want you to know, you're not unwanted.

Music, I miss it.

"One day we're gonna get out"

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:26:27 GMT

I haven't posted in quite a few months, wopps!

Things are very different now. I'm 8 months pregnant (due date is September 7th). I look like a small watermelon. People say I'm still pretty small for being as far as I am. Not like I feel that way when I'm waddling around work trying to get to the bathroom before my bladder explodes. Some guy that's in the realms of 400-500 pounds at work told me I walked like him. I was thinking to myself "I think it's just a little different, dude".

I laugh at how curious men are about my belly, and how many times random women touch my belly when I'm walking around. I know they're just feeling the baby, but I still can't help but feel uncomfortable at someone I don't know feeling up my belly. I entered a new skill set class at work earlier this month, and many of the guys in my class bombarded me with questions about my belly. Some wanted to touch it, one wanted to see if I could balance a cup on my belly (which I can, as long as Aurora isn't being as active as she normally is).

I realized how some people are very, very nice to pregnant women. People always give me free food. Poptarts, fruits, beverages and even fetichini alfredo. Then there's the few that are just jerks. My old boss was angry that she wasn't pregnant, therefore, she didn't like me too much. I didn't like her either, so, I made sure if I had to go into her office, I was sporting my belly out as far as I could get it without making it look awkward.

I discovered corruption in the workplace finally. I was quite aware it existed, but when I moved to my new area; I became surrounded with it. We have teams where I work, and the person who leads us is our team lead, the people who is above her is a manager, and so on. My old team lead was very bad. Prior to working where I work, she was a bar tender. She's thirty-some years old and acts like an 18-year-old trying to get into the party scene. She didn't care about her team memebers, she still doesn't. She barely has any power, but what she does have she is crazy with.

Working night shift I also discovered how sickly immature people are. For example: A man in this early/mid thirties purposely tripped me last month. I was 7 months pregnant then, and he saw he had my shoes untied so he ran up behind me and stepped on them. He says it was a mistake, but when you start twenty feet behind me, it's no mistake. When you laugh about it and proceede to joke about it, then it's definely not a mistake. I raised hell. I told my team lead (who didn't give a shit). I stepped up and told our manager. My team lead was supposed to deal with it, but when she gave me the update, she said he was saying it wasn't on purpose. Bullshit. I should have just let my boyfriend deal with it. Atleast the stupid fuck would have got what he deserved. A good ass kicking.

To better news; we found out we're having a girl! Her name is Aurora Charlotte (insert last name here). We've got the nursery almost completly finished. It is very, very cute! I'll have to post links to pictures of her room at some point. We did a winnie the pooh theme. Not the classic pooh, but the one directly after that. Aurora is quite an active baby. It's about time for her to be chilling out since she's running out of space inside of me, but, she's still going strong. I don't mind, it only hurts when she starts going after my bladder. =]! I love her so much! We're all so excited. Matthew and I can't wait for her to be here.

Down in a hole, losing my soul. Down in a hole, losing control.

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 03:09:10 GMT

I'm tired, I'm sick. I'm angry, I'm sad.

I am someone.

I am nothing at all.

In the end, I'll lose everyone.

The time is drawing nearer to having to tell my parents about the pregnancy, and I'm angry, upset, and terrified to no end. I'm angry because they won't support me. I'm angry because my mother was betting I'd get pregnant within a year of moving out, but she thinks that it's because of all of the wrong reasons. She'll freak out, and I will stand up to her and fight her. My father is the reaction I cannot predict. I love my father dearly, but, he is also my mother's husband and prone to going with what she says even if it's wrong or right. My mother ruined my sister's wedding and my dad fell to my mother's side. I'm so extremely mad about my family not being supportive. When I told my sister, she told me to get rid of it. My sister is supposed to be the different one and now I see her the same. The qualities she has from my mother have finally shone through and that is all I see now. I'm angry because I'm not really afraid of telling Matt's family like I am my family. I know they won't attempt to kill me on the spot, or throw me out of the house; out of their lives. I'm brand new to his family and they aren't going to give me shit. I'm not even in their family, they just know me from seeing me a few times. When you think about it, it's all just really sad in the end. Me being the unknown to his family and the known to mine, but who will make me suffer more? My family, of course. I try to keep my head up, I try not to get too depressed because I don't want something to happen to the baby, but, the stuff that's going through my head is nothing but the truth. It hurts.

I'm upset because the pregnancy will be made shit by my mother's constant calls about how much of a whore I am, and my old 'friends' doing the same; pushing me to get rid of it. I'm terrified because I don't want my mother to kill herself over this.

I feel so uncontrollably, angry with people as well as with myself. I've become quite willing to fight over this embryo in my womb. I have gotten rid of friends, and I'm willing to throw away my family if they don't grow up. I am willing to fight. I thought the fight was over, but it's back in full swing as I try to survive the shit I walk through. There has become no escape from it, as I think about it all the time. My parents and how pissed my mom will be.

I'm angry at myself too. I feel like I don't fulfill my duty as a girlfriend. I feel I no longer hold a good impact to Matt's life. I feel I'm spiraling downward the more angry/upset I am. The more I feel like I have to fight the world harder. I feel like this is my battle though, not his. He shouldn't have to fight my family with me, he should be able to relax. If I didn't drag my shit in, maybe he would relax more. I don't feel like a good lover, I'm too sick and pathetic all the goddamn time. I feel so horrible about myself, I've gained a couple of pounds and I feel like a whale. I feel like everything is on me. I've become a jealous monster as I tell myself I am nothing. I'm not pretty, and I'm starting to rot and become a burden to the world. I feel like I'm going in the direction of losing it all. My Matthew, my everything. I'm losing it. I'm pretty sure I've degraded myself to a lousy bitch woman. What a lovely wife I'll make.

Right.

Public Service Announcement =O

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 03:21:42 GMT

It's been quite a long month.

Well, let's start with the good news. Infact, some of the greatest news in my life. Me and my love are going to be having a baby. I found out officially today after the doctors took my pee and ran away. =] I'm very happy about the baby, and of course, nervous.

Nervous for the simple idea of having a baby from a hole that small. Sure, it gets bigger, but it's still really frightening to me. Matthew wanted me to watch this one show about bringing home babies a couple weeks ago, sadly, the one I watched had a graphic birthing scene and scared the shit out of me. I'm sure I'll warm up to the idea, but right now, it's far away, and very scary.

I'm nervous because of how people are reacting when I tell them; more so: I'm scared of how my family will react. This will be the first grandchild for my parents. My mom, who is in her mid fities, still believe she is too 'young' to become a grandmother. My mother is never happy about good things anyway. Ontop of that fact, my mother is very catholic in her belief system. Marriage before sex, blah blah, blah. Come on, we weren't going to hold off. Even though I've only slept with one man in my life, my mother will repeatedly call me a whore. She's been trying to accuse me of being a whore for years, and now she has enough evidence so that she can get away with it (in her mind). It's going to be hard to go over to their house this weekend. I feel more comfortable with Matthew at my side, he helps me be aware that I won't have to deal with my mom's shit. He will protect me. While me and my father's relationship may become a casuality of me being pregnant; it's okay. If he doesn't want to have a relationship with me because of a baby, then he was never a good father anyway and he is not worth my time. I won't deal with my mom calling me ten million times a day for the next nine months telling me I'm some dirty skank.

On the good side of things again, I'm going to be getting a new position in my company that pays a lot more which is exciting! I want to be able to provide as much as I can for Matthew and my family.

Man, I'm really excited about the baby. I can't wait to hold it. I can't even wait to wake up at 2am and take care of it. When I officially found out today, the world became a better place and I noticed the beauty around me. I feel so enlightened now. When I got home and saw Matthew, I felt so much more special to be with him and having his child. This is forever. <3

Change.

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:23:24 GMT

Has occured so strongly in this past year. If anyone said anything about the things that have happened later on this year, there would have been pure disbelief.

I find myself in a new stage of happiness today as a good weekend comes to an end, and the work week begins.

I love every second with him.

Every second we talk or fight, all the seconds he's there. I love it. Nothing has ever made me so happy in my life.

He's helped me become something. I feel like I've gone a long way since last May. I would have never gotten away from my parents, I would have never started following music again.

More importantly; I would have never found my true love without him.

What have I become my sweetest friend?

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 01:51:51 GMT

I wonder it everyday.

After all these years of pain, what have I become?

Am I on my way to becoming who I want to be? The person I idealize myself being? I don't know, I'm lost. Too many streets in front of me.

I'm looking back on the one behind me despite the opportunities that lay ahead.

I have it all; love, happiness, work. I'm able to do the things I want to do due to the country I live in and the knowledge I've gained. I can do anything if I put my mind to it, but the hardest thing to do is simply take a drink of life and swallow.

I have potential and I realize I take everything for granted.

Releasing my pain is one step to get away from it and it's a step I'm about to take right here where only a few people know about, and even fewer care to look. Journals have always been my guilty pleasure.

Since I turned 11, I've hated myself.

Hated every detail about me that makes me me. I believed everything people told me about myself and agreed with it. I was young and stupid, and my mind was too open and trustful to think that it might not be true, that I might not be as bad as others made me out to be.

I remember getting a piece of clothing when I was maybe nine or so, it was from the 'Self Esteem' line and came with a sticker. I remember tearing it. Saying "Self esteem doesn't exist."

My classmates, even people I didn't know made fun of me. I was fat, ugly. Boys laughed at me if I told them I liked them. I was just one of those people. I escaped to the internet and found true friends, I found my first 'boyfriend'. But even that went to hell and I always knew it was my fault. My fault I was too boring to keep him thrilled with me, and that's why he cheated on me and that's when things slipped into my head. My mother pounded all kinds of other negativity. I killed puppies, I made her sick, I made her marriage worse.

These things make me hate her today.

Sigh.

It's been too many years and I need to rehabilitate myself. That past is over, and I need to remember that.

I'm a creep.

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 22:05:22 GMT

"I wanna perfect body,
I want a perfect soul."

Sigh.

Do I belong here? I constantly find myself asking the same question over and over again. I linger on the line between happiness and depression. All the bad memories, all the cruel words, everything they said to me simply keep weighing on my mind and sending me through withdraw. Am I really the one for him? I'm so crazy, sometimes I really hate myself to crazy extremes. I want to freely love without all this shit going through my mind.

Sometimes I feel like I should disappear.

This Monkey's Gone to Heaven

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 02:52:02 GMT

Smile .Laugh.Life.

In the past year, so much has changed in my life. Life got worse before it got better, but now it's sky rocketing.

Here's how it goes:

On April 27th, I finally found the love of my life. Through another shity relationship, I ended up joining a online dating website, where I was faced with many freaky, perverted old men who wanted to get into my pants. I thought it was all stupid, and I started ignoring the website emails I'd get. Then, I decided to go back on there one day. I had a message from someone who sounded really interesting, so, we began talking. It was spontaneous, but I fell for him, and he for me. I used him for a photo project as an excuse to meet him, and ended up loving every second with him. It really worked out.

I graduated highschool in May. It was one heck of a graduation. I sratched my eye ball, so I couldn't see out of my right eye and barely could see out of my left. But I still got myself up, got dressed, and went to my graduation ceremony. For late May in Arizona, you'd never expect the scene to be what it was that night. Everyone was in the football stadium, and it was pouring down rain. I had on a water proof jacket under my robe along with my dress clothes. By the end of the ceremony, everything was soaked. I was so cold and blind and so happy to see my bandmate, Dennis, come to me after the ceremony was over. He helped me find my family, and also a long-time friend; Hobbs. It was amazing to see him. He gave me a card and a pick from a gig he played with the Clash. I was so honored. Another surprise appearance happened as well, another close friend of mine. I was so happy to know I had support. It was silly, when my name was called to recieve my diploma, so many of my friends were screaming for me. I felt happy.

The weekend after graduation, I moved to my friend Emily's house. I wasn't there very long, for most of my time was spent with my love, Matthew. A week after that, I visited California, took some amazing pictures at San Diego Zoo, enjoyed time at Disney and Sea World. The day my flight got in from Cali, I moved in with Matthew and his mother and it's been really wonderful. I worked a full time job for about a month, but ended up losing it due to way too much stress. People there had an extreme lack for creativity, which drove me nuts as well. When having to do projects with my coworkers, I found myself the most uncomfortable. I'd end up going my own way when the time came. I guess people don't like personalitiy, right? I don't want to be a corporate robot.

I got off of all of the anti-depressants I'd been on for so long, and now I'm trying to accept me for who I am. I'm looking for another full time job. Me and Matthew are hoping to move out next summer. It's great. I'm away from all the high school bull shit and I am starting to find myself. Matt has begun teaching me rythm guitar, and teaching me bettter techniques on bass. I can actually slap now without much of a problem. My fingers are more efficent, and so is my playing. I've even been writing off and on again now. I produced a fairly good short story in July, which I'm really proud of. I have other story ideas, I just have to make them more entertaining to write for my llittle ADHD mind.

Pictures:
New bass (maybe):
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v711/crazy_doodles/?action=view&current=full.jpg
Blind at graduation:
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v711/crazy_doodles/?action=view&current=055.jpg
Me and my Boy:
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v711/crazy_doodles/?action=view&current=hehe.jpg
Photography Final:
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v711/crazy_doodles/?action=view&current=timewontletmego-1.jpg
Prom:
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v711/crazy_doodles/?action=view&current=prom.jpg
Random:
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v711/crazy_doodles/?action=view&current=100_3265.jpg